1-4-3

I will never forget the first time he told me he loved me. I wasn’t with words. He didn’t say it out loud. We were sitting in his parent’s basement. My husband at home believing I was at an AA meeting. He didn’t much care where I was anymore. At that point, we were sleeping in separate rooms and simply staying together to disappoint everyone in our lives waiting for the the opportunity of the “I told you so” speech.

Ben and I had just had sex on the sofa in that family room. I remember how fun and exciting he was. We couldn’t keep our hands off of eachother. We had that chemistry that most couples, from the beginning, wish for. He was impossible to resist and he made me realize things about sex I never had before. Mainly that it could involve love. That is something I had not experienced until him. We were sitting there and his mom came down to the basement for something and just gave us that “I know what you just did and it’s not OK” disapproving look. I never asked, but I’m fairly certain that he got quite the lecture after I left that night. He looked at me, his giant brown eyes and his irresistible full lips that would make anyone want to kiss him, and his face went soft. It was a look I hadn’t seen before on him. It’s similar to that look that someone gets when they are just about to cry but hold back. He held up his left hand and placed it on my forehead and in a gesture that I would grow to love and miss maybe more than anything else about him, he gently swept his fingertips over my face from forehead to chin. Breathing heavy, his eyes never blinking and never leaving mine. I knew that look. I had looked at my children that way at times when they were sleeping, or when they had done something so endearing I could hardly stand it. I looked at my Nana that way right before she passed knowing what a blessing she had been in my life and how happy she would be to be reunited with her husband. But no one had ever looked at me that way. No one had ever touched me that way. I was used to men paying attention to anything but my face. I knew I was beautiful but had never actually felt it. No one had confirmed it for me before Ben. He didn’t say a word. I felt so overwhelmed. When you are raised the way I was, emotion does not come easy. It was not acceptable or allowed and there I was feeling love like I never had before and holding back all of the emotion the best that I could. I felt like I had to leave, to escape that overwhelming feeling. I cracked a joke, got up and left as quickly as I could. It was 30 miles from his house to mine and I cried all the way that night. And then I got a page…”1,4,3”. I knew but played dumb. I wanted him to explain. I didn’t want to take the chance of assuming and feeling like an ass. And the next page explained, but I already knew… “1=I, 4=love, 3=you”. I knew that night that I would spend my life with Ben. We may as well have sealed it in blood. This was that point. He was no longer just a boyfriend and there was no turning back.