Now

I’m happy now. At least that’s what I tell myself every night as I’m falling asleep. As happy as one can be when they have suffered the loss I have. I find myself empathizing with, even relating to, a girl on the news who lost her arm in a shark attack. She’s happy to be alive, positive, inspiring. But she’s missing a huge part. I am certain, despite the bold face she wears each day, there are nights that she lays down to sleep and the world is quiet and she feels the pain of her loss. I can only imagine that she never feels quite whole, even angry at times. I lost a piece of myself 5 years ago that I will never get back. The most difficult part of my process of acceptance is knowing the loss was caused by me. I don’t have a shark to hold responsible, no predator acting on animal instinct, only myself.

I’m married to an amazing person. He is good to me. He has his flaws and I accept them. They are what makes him human and in return, I feel I am allowed to have a few of my own. We have a combined family. My 2 children and his 4 have meshed really well. Daily life gets hectic but at the end of the day, we find a quiet comfort in each other. We have found a niche and it works. I know he is passionate about me and that he is in it for the long haul. He would do anything for me and I would do the same. He is everything most women look for in a husband and partner. He is safe and stable. In a way, a good way, boring. He is dependable and a good father. He is a provider and the best friend you could ask for.

But there is something missing in my marriage. I know that we are both aware of it, but we never speak about it. He finds his own happiness with me and I go along. I care for him, love him and need his companionship, but it is impossible for me to have the same passion for him that he has for me. There is only one person I have and ever will be passionate about and we both know it. Neither of us would ever dare say it out loud, but it is there. It lingers and is a constant threat to what we have found in each other.